J.J. Abrams Already Made a Star Wars Movie…in 2009

When the first Star Wars: The Force Awakens trailer dropped just before the holidays, it reconfirmed everyone’s hunch that J.J. Abrams was, indeed, the perfect person to accept the LucasTorch and carry it forth. Now why was that? Why did it seem like a no-brainer along the lines of casting Patrick Stewart as Prof. Charles Xavier? Hmmm….

Could it be that Abrams already MADE a Star Wars movie?

It what was the biggest troll move of all time, Abrams took the helm of the Starship Enterprise and promptly parked the ship squarely in Mos Eisley.

Because 2009's Star Trek reboot is — beat for beat, nearly word for word — Star Wars. And you don’t even have to be Room 237-level bonkers to see it.

EXHIBIT A:

A farm boy (James Kirk) who never knew his father leads an aimless existence until he meets an older mentor (Christopher Pike) who did know the boy’s father and who challenges him to accept his destiny. Said challenge takes place in a bar filled with aliens.

A farm boy (Luke Skywalker) who never knew his father leads an aimless existence until he meets an older mentor (Obi-Wan Kenobi) who did know the boy’s father and who challenges him to accept his destiny. Said challenge takes place in a bar filled with aliens.

EXHIBIT B:

Kirk’s boyish enthusiasm and cockiness is constantly checked by the cynical nature of a slightly older, more experienced space travel veteran (Leonard “Bones” McCoy)

Luke’s boyish enthusiasm and cockiness is constantly checked by the cynical nature of a slightly older, more experience space travel veteran (Han Solo).

EXHIBIT C:

Preparing for hyperspace travel: Capt. Pike: “Sulu, punch it!” (sound of engine failure) Capt. Pike (sarcastically): “Did you leave the parking brake on?”

Preparing for hyperspace travel: Han Solo: “Oh, yeah? Watch this!” (sound of engine failure). Princess Leia (sarcastically): “Would it help if I got out and pushed?”

EXHIBIT D:

Kirk is attacked by a monster on an ice planet, but is rescued by a mentor figure from the future.

Luke is attacked by a monster on an ice planet, but is rescued by a mentor figure from his past.

EXHIBIT E:

The villain, Nero, has a space vessel capable of destroying an entire planet.

The villain, Darth Vader, has a space vessel capable of destroying an entire planet.

EXHIBIT F:

The vessel’s destructive power is proven when Nero forces Spock to watch helplessly as his home world is destroyed.

The vessel’s destructive power is proven when Vader forces Leia to watch helplessly as her home world is destroyed.

EXHIBIT G:

Spock’s lone starfighter goes up against the villain’s indestructible vessel and, seconds before the starfighter is destroyed, the U.S.S. Enterprise swoops in out of the blue (“There’s another ship!”) and buys Spock enough time to complete his mission.

Luke’s lone starfighter goes up against the villain’s indestructible vessel and, seconds before the starfighter is destroyed, the Millennium Falcon swoops in out of the blue (“I have you now — What?”) and buys Luke enough time to complete his mission.

EXHIBIT H:

The movie ends with a medal ceremony.

The movie ends with a medal ceremony.

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